Halloween is a very fun time of year. You get to dress up and walk around collecting candy (or at least you used to back when you were at a socially acceptable age to trick-or-treat). One of my favorite things to do during this time of year is to compare the Halloween candy you may get placed into your pillowcase functioning as a candy collector to the athletes that are playing at the highest level. Just like how you don’t know which candy you will get when the door opens, sometimes you don’t know what these players are going to give you on their respective playing surfaces. But that is the fun of it all, they don’t call it trick-or-treat for no reason, sometimes you actually do get the trick and are left treatless.
Almond Joy- Jose Altuve and Carlos Correa
Almond Joys is a very polarizing candy. It is not the most favored candy bar out there, but the people that do like it are huge fans. The same goes for the entire Houston Astros team, but especially Altuve and Correa. The only fans that seem to still like these two players are the ones in Houston. Just like how there seems to only be a small contingent of Almond Joy lovers out there.
Baby Ruth- Shohei Ohtani
This one is about as easy as a fastball down the middle to Ohtani. He did things this year in baseball that haven’t been done in over 100 years. The last guy to do most of those things was Babe Ruth, hence the connection with Baby Ruths. Although the candy’s name isn’t derived from the baseball player at all, it is still close enough to make the Ohtani-Baby Ruth comparison perfect.
Crunch- Giancarlo Stanton
Nobody makes a bigger crunch sound when they hit a baseball with a bat than Stanton. He is the owner of the hardest-hit home run in the Statcast era, as well as a ton of other hardest-hit homers. Crunch bars are also not the greatest of the candy options and Stanton is far from his MVP-caliber years so this comparison works on another level as well.
Hershey’s Bar- Kirk Cousins
This might be my most spot-on athlete-to-candy comparison on this entire list. Everyone knows the feeling when you come across a Hershey’s Bar in your Halloween stash. It’s a lot of “meh.” The exact same thing goes for Kirk Cousins. He is an incredibly solid quarterback, but he is not flashy and does not inspire a ton of excitement when he is your quarterback. Cousins and Hershey’s Bars will get the job done admirably, but they won’t do it with the same flair as Patrick Mahomes or a Milky Way.
Hot Tamales- Jacob DeGrom
Both Hot Tamales and Jacob DeGrom absolutely bring the heat. DeGrom does it on the mound, averaging over 98 mph with his fastball. And Hot Tamales do it with flavor, bringing the heat to your mouth with you eat them. This comparison also rings true because I would not want to come across DeGrom in any baseball setting, just like I don’t want to come across Hot Tamales in my Halloween candy haul.
Jawbreaker- Tom Brady
Brady is the man who will never quit, still terrorizing NFL defenses even at 44 years old. That reminds me of a jawbreaker, although I am not sure they are actually real because I have never seen them in real life. But if Jawbreakers are real, they are absolutely the Brady of Halloween candy. The end doesn’t seem to be in sight for either of them and unlike gum or other candy that lose their flavor over time, Jawbreakers and Brady maintain their flavor and skill even after such a long time.
Life Savers- Justin Tucker
When you break the NFL record for longest field goal ever on a game-winning kick as time expires, you earn the right to be referred to as Life Savers when making connections between athletes and candy.
M&Ms- Chris Paul
M&Ms are the underrated and underappreciated candy out of all the candy, so they are like the Paul of candy. He has been doing his thing at such a high level for such a long time that we have taken for granted just exactly how excellent his career has been. M&Ms are similar in the fact that there have been a lot of more intricate and fancy candies that have come around since the invention of the M&M (in 1941). Just like all these new point guards that have joined the NBA after Paul, they may be flashier but Paul is the tried and true original.
Mars Bar- Ben Roethlisberger
I know Roethlisberger used to be good, he just isn’t anymore. I also have heard that Mars Bars were good (I have never personally seen one since they were discontinued in 2002). The common theme is that neither of them are good right now. Despite all the history surrounding the two, the reality of current situations suggest Roethlisberger should follow Mars Bars’ lead and retire immediately.
Mike and Ikes- Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid
This might seem weird at first but hear me out. Do you remember when Mike and Ike “broke up” in a weird marketing campaign? While Simmons and Embiid’s inevitable breakup is not a marketing tactic, it is still similar to when Mike and Ike briefly went their separate ways. I love Mike and Ikes, they are one of my favorite candies, and they are incredibly delicious. Simmons and Embiid are two very talented players but they need to take a page out of Mike and Ike’s playbook and give each other some space.
Nerds- Ryan Fitzpatrick
C’mon, the dude went to Harvard, had a 1580 SAT score, and recorded the highest ever score on the NFL’s Wonderlic test. He is a nerd. But he also is Nerds because those are a really good candy but you can’t have too much of them because they are basically just completely made of sugar. Just like how you have to move on from eating Nerds after a box or two, Fitzpatrick has made briefs stops in seemingly half of the NFL by this point in his career.
PayDay- Conor McGregor
When you top Forbes’ list of highest-paid athletes you get the distinction of being compared to PayDay. McGregor is obviously still very successful in an economic way, his athletic prowess has seemed to wane a bit. That makes even more sense for this connection because PayDay is nowhere near the top tier of Halloween candy or even candy bars in general.
Reese’s- James Harden
Reese’s is the most versatile candy that there is. Whether it is the traditional peanut butter cup, the miniature version, Reese’s Pieces, or even the seasonal pumpkins or Christmas trees, Reese’s is always good in whatever form. Harden is similar because he has taken a lot of different forms in his basketball career. From sixth-man to leading scorer in the league to point guard to cog in a superteam, Harden has excelled in every role he has been asked to play. It just makes sense that one of the greatest and most malleable scorers in NBA history is the Reese’s of athletes.
Skittles- LaMelo Ball
This one goes back to the M&Ms-Paul connection made earlier. Skittles are just like a more colorful version of M&Ms and Ball is a perfect example of the flashier new point guards that are coming into the league now. Skittles grab your attention with its bright red bah and colorful little pieces, and Ball earns your attention with his behind-the-back passes and huge dunks. One day in 20 years, Ball might be the M&Ms of athletes but for now he is the Skittles, one of everyone’s favorite things to see.
Snickers- Derrick Henry
Everyone knows the Snickers commercials that said “Eat a Snickers, you’re not you when you’re hungry.” Well, Henry is himself when he’s hungry because he runs like he is trying to get to a Snickers in the opponent’s end zone. I also feel like if candy were to become a human figure, it would be the one closest to resembling Henry’s 6-foot-3, 240-pound frame.
Sour Patch Kids- Draymond Green
Of all the active NBA players, Green is third in technical fouls, behind just Russell Westbrook and Dwight Howard. The caveat is that Westbrook and Howard have played more seasons than Green so his average of 14.5 techs per year bests them both. So of course Green is the Sour Patch Kids of athletes because of how often he has been a little bit too sour to the refs. He has also demonstrated his sweet side by showing his infectious personality in different areas, including his stints on TNT’s Inside the NBA.
Starburst- Zion Williamson
Williamson is a ‘star’ ready to ‘burst’ this year and have a great season. He is also a candidate to ‘star’ on the cover of the league’s official video game or ‘burst’ out of the side of his shoe. Starburst is one of the best candies you can find in your Halloween haul because there is something for everybody inside the wrapper. Not everyone loves all of the flavors Starburst come in but everyone has a favorite color. Not everyone loves Williamson’s entire game, but there are parts that you have to admire, whether it is his insane athleticism, surprisingly good ballhandling, or impressive swats on defense.
Swedish Fish- Mike Trout
I don’t think a lot of people would be happy to find a Trout in their Halloween stash, but Swedish Fish is a different story. They are, in my opinion, one of the best Halloween candies but might fly a bit under the radar for some people. That is the epitome of Trout’s MLB career. He has been as good as anyone else on the field, but his off-the-field personality, or lack thereof, may be holding him back.
Three Musketeers- Nelson Cruz
People make jokes that Three Musketeers should really be called “Three Ingredients” because of its lack of a complex combination of flavors. Despite just having those few ingredients, they still manage to do it well. The parallel to Cruz is just too obvious because at this point in his career he can really only do one thing well: hit. He is no longer an asset in the field or on the basepaths (and I don’t think he can pitch but maybe he can surprise me), but he hits the ball as good as anyone else in the entire game.
Twix- Jose Ramirez
Left Twix or Right Twix, which one is your favorite? Is there even a difference? (I don’t think there is). Ramirez is the Twix of athletes because he is the best switch hitter in the MLB today. Right-handed Ramirez or left-handed Ramirez, which one do you want up to bat? There is no wrong answer because he is so good at both, just like there is no wrong answer between which sided Twix is better.
The Dime Press 